I have felt the need to post some thing like this lately. I think that I have started about 3 of 'em and ended up deleting them. It is hard to admit when you've strayed from the Lord or realized that you haven't completely been living for Him. Or that your relationship isn't where it is suppose to be.
If you know me, you might know about my past. That I was 11 or 12 when I asked Jesus in my heart. That it was only a few short years later that I strayed from my walk with Him. It wasn't until I was in my mid twenties that I rededicated my life to Him. I have gone to church, volunteered in the children's' Sunday school department, worked during the week at that same church and felt like I was doing God's will and obeying Him.God has just revealed to me that that isn't so.
A few months ago, something happened that rocked my boat and caused some waves. My faith was tested and I didn't do so well. Actually, I did HORRIBLE!! It was all about me. Why did this happen? I have done what I am suppose to do, why am I being targeted? This isn't all what I had planned, why are you letting this happen? You know I can do this ,why are you taking it away from me? Me Me Me.....
I stopped cold. I stopped volunteering in SS, I stopped going to church all together. I only prayed every once in a while. My life that I thought that was so full of faith for my Father was a lie. I checked out when my world as I thought that it should be ,crumbled. I am embarrassed to confess this but feel the need to do so.
I turned in my notice at work mainly because I felt betrayed and I had lost my passion for my job...and my home church. I know, it wasn't the right thing to do but like I said I really wasn't walking in faith. God never left me though. He was reaching out to me, through people in my life and through the Holy Spirit. I turned back to Him after months of trying to do things on my own and lots of guilt.
I started reading scripture which wasn't something that I was dedicated to doing before. Now I realize that was some of my mistakes. How do I expect to know what God wants me to do and actually obey Him if I don't know His word?2 Timothy 3:16-17 says, "All scripture is inspired by God and is profitable for teaching,rebuking,correcting, for training in righteousness, so that the man of God may be complete, equipped for every good ." This is a verse I need to memorize and apply to my life.
I am doing a bible study through Priscilla Shirer called HE SPEAKS TO ME. She mentions how God interrupts us. We don't realize that it is from God. We get irritated, frustrated because we are so focused on doing some thing that the interruption( hubby,child,phone,run in our hose,etc) is inconvenient and not noticed as a Godsend. As maybe a time out from God or Him redirecting us to His plan. I know that He is using my kids constantly. I get so frustrated and annoyed that I snap at them. I need to take my timeout and focus on the true important thing.THEM!
I also started reading a book called Created to be his Help Meet. I haven't finished all of it and I don't necessarily agree with all of what she says. I do feel like I have neglected my family the past few years, putting my job outside my home before my husband and kids. That is my true job, taking care of Todd and making sure that he is happy and his clothes are clean and put away. Dinner is ready when he gets hungry and that the kids are taken care of. Making my husbands life less stressful. Being his Help Meet because God created woman for man not man for woman. I know that I might offend some of you, but this is my beliefs.
Todd and my marriage hasn't been all kisses and hugs. We truly have struggled over the 11 years we have been together. Don't get me wrong, we love each other and know that we are meant to be together, but have had our fair share of troubles. We don't always see eye to eye on issues like finances, raising our kids, or some thing simple like what is for dinner. I never thought about how disrespectful I have been to him. Any time I doubted his judgement or questioned his motives. I didn't know that I was telling him that I didn't trust his ability to take care of our family. Not only was I disrespecting Todd but I was disobeying God.
As I continue to learn scripture and what God says about being a help meet and marriage, we will be blessed. I am reminded that I knew who Todd was before I married him. I fell in love with him faults and all. Instead of trying to change him.... I need to try to understand him more. To pray for wisdom which leads to understanding....and much more.
I am sorry I have been all over the place with this blog and it might not make ANY sense to you but I feel better. I have a long way to go with my walk with the Lord but I am glad that I am on the right track.
Blessings to all.
3 days ago